Update: Where I am at

Posted Friday, January 23, 2015 at 12:01 AM

Well, its been quite a long time since I updated this. And I have had a number of people ask me how I'm doing and if I'm still doing medifast. So I guess I'm here to give you an update on that.

The short answer is no, I'm not doing medifast anymore. Did I reach my goal weight? Sadly no. Its been a struggle these last few months. I have been gaining and losing the same 10lbs since May. I've been trying to stick to medifast and I'd have a few weeks here and there where 'd be good but then I'd slip one day on one meal and then just throw in the towel for the whole day. It was a cycle, one that I couldnt find a way to break.

And then the holidays happened. The holidays were beyond rough. I dont know if it was the added factor of having a boyfriend and his family to visit, or what but this holiday season was brutal. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas I must have had 1-2 off plan days every single week. If there is one thing that made progress on Medifast difficult it was knowing I had a day where being on plan was impossible. Most weeks I ended up accidentally caving multiple days a week simply because "whats the point? I'll be off this in a day anyway." Just before Christmas I decided to stay off Medifast until after the holidays and just calorie count because it is too expensive of a program to go on and off for a day. It only wastes meals and gets you no where.

Then after Christmas I had a realization. For a while now I've been realizing that I feel completely deprived on Medifast. I can't have the food that I want, even if it was healthy. Healthy meals that friends would make for double dates weren't an option because there would be a minimal amount of startch in it from flour or corn or carrorts. My binge eatting days would happen because I felt like I couldnt eat what I wanted, and so I binged on the things I could have (medifast chocolate bars) or binged on the things I couldnt have because I'd allow myself a bite and go crazy. It was really hard to see myself spiraling and not knowing how to fix the problem. I've considered going to talk to someone, even got the name of a counselor who specializes in eatting disorders (about the closest you can come when you have a bit of a food addiction). But I never made the call to make an appointment. I just want to solve the problem on my own.

Just after Christmas, faced with the knowledge that in a few days I'd be back to eatting those medifast bars and dehydrated food, I made a decision. I was done. My motivation was no longer there and my desire to have medifast meals was non-existant. I had been contemplating trying Weight Watchers for a few weeks so I decided to take the plunge on that. I've tried Weight Watchers in the past, but I've always failed. I didnt know how to be on a diet - how to listen to my body and eat when I'm hungry. How to properly hydrate and eat smaller meals more frequently. But these days Evan and I have gotten into a really good rhythm, making massive amounts of healthy food on Sundays for the two of us for the whole week. So I knew I could pre-plan my food to make tracking easy.

I wish I could say that the month that I have been on Weight Watchers has been splendid and that I'm down 15 more pounds. But its not. Its been less successful than I would like it to be. As in I've lost 1lb on it after having gained back some of the weight that I lost. But this is a case of the scale not accurately reflecting the amount of work I'm putting it. I track almost everything that I eat. What I dont track is minimal and its usually because I can't figure out how to track it. I work out 2-3 times a week, one of those days being an hour of weight training. And the throwing in the towel days are almost gone. At this point I'm trying to figure out the cause of the 1lb loss. It could be that I'm doing weight watchers incorrectly, or it could be my body trying to adjust to this new lifestyle. I haven't figured that out yet.

I will say that it is incredibly disheartening to be putting in the effort that I have been and not see results. When I put in the amount of effort on Medifast, the weight almost literally melted off. It scares me as I am afraid to end up back at 280lbs. You want your effort to mean something and to show results, and it is heartbreaking to have it not.

Its also infuriating because on both sides of the spectrum, between weight watchers and medifast, no one is giving me the help I need to figure out where the problem is. Medifast claims the problem is weight watchers, and weight watchers claims it is medifast. Sigh. I wont give up. I'll keep searching until I find out whats going on. Just hard after having come so far to stall.

So thats my update and where I'm at. Long winded, but there you go.

Total weight loss: 71.8 lbs!!!
Distance from Goal #1 (175 lbs): 34.4 lbs
Current Weight: 209.4 lbs

Update: All the Weeks

Posted Sunday, July 20, 2014 at 12:28 AM

Its be a long time since I posted an update on how things are going. Mostly because I havent had time to sit down and post, but also because I haven't really been going anywhere on the scale.

Lets face it, -3.4 lbs in one month is pretty low. Motivation is low, happiness is high. I just want to be done with all of this and get to transition. The problem seems to be in that I am just so happy with my progress, my body and where I've come that I am having a hard time not just calling it done. On that note, I've been thinking a lot about where I want to stop this whole journey. When I started I originally said I wanted to shoot for 175lbs, with a final goal of probably 150lbs. What I didn't even think about was how great I would feel at 175 lbs. At 192lbs I feel fantastic. If I didn't know that I still have more to lose to be the best version of myself that I can be, I would be completely content stopping here. Right now the only thing that is motivating me is that first goal. I don't want to give up on myself.

In other news, there is another reason I have been so silent on here. I met someone. He's pretty wonderful and I don't know that I could be happier. I was pretty worried during this journey about meeting someone actually because I know how much weight I gained when I was last in a relationship. But my guy....he's so great. Extremely supportive of my losing weight and only wants me to be happy. Tells me I'm beautiful all the time (which I am still not used to hearing). He seems to want to eat healthier with me and live the active life style that I have been trying to live. I love it. Couldn't be more thankful for him. We had our first date last night, and here is a picture for you all: 

On the note of being more active, I haven't been running nearly as often as I was or want to be. I haven't found my groove yet and where running fits in. I miss it. So I've been trying to go on as many walks as possible. Good because they are free and I have a lot of people to spend time with :) 

Thats all for now. I'm still chugging away at this whole process. I'll get there eventually. When? Not sure. Hopefully soon.

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Month 3: -8 lbs
Month 4: -12.4 lbs
Month 5: -8.4 lbs
Month 6: -7 lbs
Month 7: -6.6 lbs
Month 8: -10.2 lbs
Month 9: -4.2 lbs
Week 42: +1.4 lbs
Weeks 43-45: -5 lbs

Total weight loss: 89 lbs!!!
Distance from Goal #1 (175 lbs): 17.2 lbs
Current Weight: 192.2 lbs

Week 41: The weirdest part of all this

Posted Sunday, June 22, 2014 at 12:03 AM

There's something weird about losing weight. Our health coaches tell us that most of this journey is a mental battle and that you also need to work on your mental changes otherwise you'll just gain it all back but thats such a hard thing to do. And there are so many! For many of us we identified with being overweight. I know I did. I identified myself with 280lbs. With being in the 200's. With not being able to pull my knees to my chest. With being afraid to sit in a chair that looked unstable for fear of it collapsing. With always having to sit on the end at the movies so we're not colliding with the person next to us. Its how life was, its how we saw ourselves. Its how I saw myself.

With the physical changes there are times that I can't see the difference. I still look in the mirror at times and think I havent changed at all. Guess I'd need to put my 280lb self next to me in order to see the change in those instances (which is why I love doing before/after pictures!) 

One of my girl friends recently said something about all this. She said something about how its apparent even in how I hold myself. How I walk, how I talk - I'm just happy. For those of you that haven't been here for this whole process, that didnt know me in September, thats new for me. All of it is new. Being able to pull my knees to my chest (my favorite thing to do now by the way). Being able to sit comfortably in a movie theater seat. Being the center of attention. Its all new. I don't yet recognize myself yet. I look in the mirror and don't recognize the person staring back most of the time. I see myself talking to people and its usually an out of body experience for me. Being the center of attention and being comfortable in my own skin is new. I do it because I'm comfortable doing it, but in the back of my mind I'm thinking "Who is this person?? She's not me! " Except it is me. And I love it. 

One of the weirdest things that I still havent figured out is...how to take compliments. It sounds stupid but you seriously have to get used to it when you lose this kind of weight. Most people, I'm realizing, dont know how to accept compliments. It feels weird to receive them. Its always felt weird but at 280 lbs it felt REALLY weird because I didnt think I deserved them. Since I identified myself with being overweight every compliment I got was negated by the subsequent thought of "...but it doesnt matter because you're fat. They are just being nice." Now it feels weird because I do deserve the compliments...but I still dont know how to accept them. People give me compliments all the time. And not just any compliments. The most awkward compliments in the awkward compliments to receive category: physical compliments. Physical compliments have always been awkward for me because I always wonder what the motive is behind it. I never used to believe I looked good so if someone told me I did they must be either a) lying b) hitting on me or c) want something. Thats the way my brain used to work. Now I get those compliments all the time and its because d) I just look good. Still haven't figured out how to humbly accept the compliment that I look good. If you tell me that, and I seem awkward, its because I still dont know what to say. Thank you is all I can come up with.

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Month 3: -8 lbs
Month 4: -12.4 lbs
Month 5: -8.4 lbs
Month 6: -7 lbs
Month 7: -6.6 lbs
Month 8: -10.2 lbs
Week 37: +1.6 lbs
Week 38: -1.4 lbs
Week 39: -1.4 lbs
Week 40: -2.6 lbs
Week 41: -.4 lbs

Total weight loss: 85.4 lbs!!!
Distance from Goal #1 (175 lbs): 20.8 lbs
Current Weight: 195.8 lbs

Update: ONE-derland!!!!

Posted Wednesday, June 11, 2014 at 9:00 PM

IT FINALLY HAPPENED!! The illusive ONE-derland!! Took me 8.5 months but I'm finally out of the 200's and it feels fantastic. My weight no longer starts with a two. It starts with a One. One hundred ninety-eight pounds. I can't even remember when I weighed that. Probably middle school? Somewhere around seventh grade. 

Been going on and off plan a bit too much lately. Been really stressed out and falling prone to the same "I am happy with myself and dont care" mentality. When my friend visited I gained about 5lbs, lost most of it the following week, but was still up. Took me a few weeks to lose it all. 

I am so ready to be done with all of this. So ready. Ready to eat fruit and have a bagel without feeling guilty. Maybe fruit ON a bagel. Mmmmm. 

Need to mix up my exercise routine. Going to try biking now that I have my bike back. Running is excellent but this week has been mad tough. Motivation is just gone. I already ran my 5k, why do I need to punish myself some more?? Oh wait because I enjoy it. Haha.

ONE-derland. Never going back. 

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Month 3: -8 lbs
Month 4: -12.4 lbs
Month 5: -8.4 lbs
Month 6: -7 lbs
Month 7: -6.6 lbs
Month 8: -10.2 lbs
Week 37: +1.6 lbs
Week 38: -1.4 lbs
Week 39: -1.4 lbs

Total weight loss: 82.4 lbs!!!
Distance from Goal #1 (175 lbs): 23.2 lbs
Current Weight: 198.8 lbs

Week 36: I can do ANYTHING (PICTURES!!)

Posted Wednesday, May 21, 2014 at 7:13 PM

Its been about a month since I've had time to post. The last month has been such a battle of willpower. Not as in I'm struggling to stay On Plan - but battling to reach some significant goals. So here are the goals and how I did:

  • Reach ONE-derland (199.8 lbs) by May 17th (Missed)
  • Run a full 5k by May 25th (ACCOMPLISHED!)
  • Reach 80 lb mark (ACCOMPLISHED!)

Lets talk about that first goal: Reaching ONE-derland by the time my friend from Atlanta came to visit (May 17th). By all accounts I probably should have gotten there in the 3 weeks since my last post. However, my sister's bridal shower kinda threw me off. I went off plan a little and my body took a little to recover. I knew that would happen and I was hoping there was enough time between the bridal shower and the 17th. I did do everything I could after the bridal shower to reach that goal. Measured, stayed OP, said NO to wine and other things. My body just didn't respond the way I wish it had. Oh well. I knew I'd gain weight when he was here so I would have reached ONE-derland and bounced back into the 200's. This way, when I get to ONE-derland I'll be there for good. No going back.

Now my second goal: Run a full 5k by May 25th. How'd I accomplish this since its only May 21st? Well, I had two 5k's. The official one I was originally training for on May 24th and the one I spontaneously registered for to do with my friend from Atlanta on the 18th. Would you know it, I ran the whole dang thing! A week early! Official time is 33:09. So happy about that. The longest I've run for before that was 20 minutes which was a 2 mile run. Couldn't be happier. This weekend I dont even care if I run the whole thing but I'm going to try. I'd love to beat the 33:09 time but I really don't care. Two 5k's in one week is a bit much in my book haha.

Third goal: Reach 80 lb mark. Yup I got there. 200 lbs even which is 81.2 lbs down. I have to say, these pictures look crazy. I am so proud of myself its not even funny. Even I look at them and have found myself saying "DANG! I look so skinny!!" You know you've come a long way when you look at yourself and think you look skinny. We're all our own worst critics. You can find those pictures at the bottom of this post.

I have to say, being able to run that 5k was the best feeling in the world. I really feel like I can do anything. Absolutely anything. And you had better believe that I'm going to take advantage of that and try EVERYTHING. Already talking to some friends about other 5k's to run so I can work on my pace.

Pictures. I would like to point out, the khaki pants DO NOT FIT. I had to hold them up. WIN!

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Month 3: -8 lbs
Month 4: -12.4 lbs
Month 5: -8.4 lbs
Month 6: -7 lbs
Month 7: -6.6 lbs
Weeks 30 & 31: -.4 lbs
Weeks 32: -3.4 lbs
Week 33: -3.2 lbs
Week 34-36: -3.2 lbs

Total weight loss: 81.2 lbs!!!
Distance from Goal #1 (175 lbs): 25 lbs
Current Weight: 200.0 lbs

Week 33: My Favorite Part of All This

Posted Sunday, April 27, 2014 at 8:02 PM

Another great week. Really enjoying this journey again and this whole process of becoming a new me. I literally wake up every day feeling like a new person. I think my favorite part of this whole thing is how much more I can do these days. Things just aren't as hard as they used to be! I can run. Like really run. For extended distances. Yes, interval training is proving really difficult for me, but I know if I needed to run a mile or two miles, I could. I remember a time when I COULDN'T run a mile. A quarter mile was brutal. I love that I can run. If my lungs could catch up with my body I would likely be out running every day. Well my body couldn't handle that either haha. Pretty sore these days from all the running.

Take today though as a perfect example. I went for a hike with some girlfriends. At one point one of my girlfriends, who has knew me at 285 lbs, said something like "You know Anna, I would just like to point out that 7 months ago..you probably couldnt have fit through that." (Talking about the space between the boards to get into an abandoned building). Climbing things...its easier. I have ab strength and upper body strength. I used to have some of those but it was too hard to use them because of all the weight. There was a tree stump, about 5 feet tall, and I just decided to try to climb it. I did. It wasn't even hard. 

I love the new body that God has given me and all the confidence that comes with it. I can do so many more things and enjoy life in a way that I never could before. And I love every minute of it. 

Oh - fantastic week. Even despite cheating on Easter. Down 3.2 lbs! I haven't seen numbers like this since December!!!

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Month 3: -8 lbs
Month 4: -12.4 lbs
Month 5: -8.4 lbs
Month 6: -7 lbs
Month 7: -6.6 lbs
Weeks 30 & 31: -.4 lbs
Weeks 32: -3.4 lbs
Week 33: -3.2 lbs

Total weight loss: 78 lbs!!!
Distance from Goal #1 (175 lbs): 28.2 lbs
Current Weight: 203.2 lbs

Week 32: Follow up to last week

Posted Saturday, April 19, 2014 at 5:06 PM

Spring is finally here in Rochester. FINALLY. The weather is now warm enough to run outside and do all my training for my 5k outside. With all the struggles I've been having trying to train and continue to see the scale move in the right direction, I'm pretty happy with how I did. Down 3.4lbs this week - but it feels like 4.6lbs because I was stuck around 211 most of the week. :)

Talked to Nutrition Support Services about how I can still lose weight and train for a 5k. There's gotta be a way. They actually had some helpful advice and surprisingly none of it was new information. It always amazes me how sometimes you just need someone to ask you the really simple questions. Ones that you dont want to answer. Like: "Are you measuring your Lean and Greens?" The answer: No. I was winging it. So after talking to them, I had a few changes I wanted to try last week.

  • Stop with the 6-1 crap just because I felt like I could.
  • Measure my L&G.
  • When going to Panera for their Chicken Cobb w/Avocado salad, don't get their salad dressing. Bring my own. Much healthier and much less fat & sodium.

Basically from talking to NSS we think this is what was happening. For my friends not on TSFL, this may give you some idea of how the program works. I'm only having 800-1000 calories right? Thats incredibly low. Like potentially starvation mode low. A basic reason this works is because I'm controlling my carbs, less than 100g a day. This puts my body into a Fat Burning zone where it burns my own stored fat for fuel. What NSS thinks was happening is because I was just winging the added protein, I was going over that 100g by quite a bit (most likely) and slipping out of the fat burning zone. However, I wasnt increasing my calories by that much...so my body basically didn't know what to do, didn't have enough calories to run, or few enough carbs to burn what I've got stored...so it went into starvation mode. Oh the joys of losing weight. Such a finicky process! Definitely been learning a lot though.

So I took their suggestions and to my surprise I lost 3.4lbs this week! Lets see if I can get anywhere near that last week. The other change I made this week was giving myself 4 days between training days (ran Saturday, Sunday, Friday) so I'm not sure if that had something to do with it.

Outside of that, I think I'm approaching the next phase in this weight loss journey. Its what I like to call "I didn't even recognize you!". The first phase is kinda when people start noticing that you're losing weight and start to comment. Now people know...and I've had numerous people tell me (good friends too) that they didn't even recognize me when they saw me. Apparently I've changed that much. What a strange feeling!

6.4 lbs from ONE-derland. My goal is to hit it by the time my friend from Atlanta visits next month. May 17th. I can do it! I know I can!

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Month 3: -8 lbs
Month 4: -12.4 lbs
Month 5: -8.4 lbs
Month 6: -7 lbs
Month 7: -6.6 lbs
Weeks 30 & 31: -.4 lbs
Week 32: -3.4 lbs

Total weight loss: 74.8 lbs!!!
Distance from Goal #1 (175 lbs): 31.4 lbs
Current Weight: 206.4 lbs

Week 30 & 31: Trying to find a balance

Posted Saturday, April 12, 2014 at 10:32 PM

I'm not going to lie, the last 2 weeks have been hard. Not in trying to stay on plan, I've been doing that surprisingly well these days. But its been a struggle to get the scale to do what I want....while training for a 5k.

Running a 5k is something I've wanted to do for a LONG time. Like a LONG LONG time. And to be actually able and actively working towards that goal feels incredible. So incredible actually that I would actually rather be outside running everyday and I've been irritated that my body cannot keep up with my motivation/drive to run. I really want to be able to run 3.1 miles, outside. And if Atlanta taught me anything its that I'm pretty far from being able to do that. 

I've been training in the gym the last 2 months, on a treadmill and its been great. Definitely hard but I can feel my body getting stronger. I actually ran for 19 minutes at an 11 minute pace this week - which I've NEVER been able to do. My previous record was 15 minutes at a 15 minute pace (aka 1 mile). Outside is a whole different ball game and as the weather gets nicer here in Rochester I'm taking every chance I can get to run outside. Even if I have to do super easy weeks from the C25k app, its all strengthening my body.

Needless to say, its been hard to get the scale to move with all this running and building muscle. I dont know what I actually weigh because on most days I'm pretty sure my body is swollen and retaining water. Last week I ran 4x (normal is 3) and the week prior I ran 2 days in a row for the first time (it was nice out for the first time this season and I had to be out running). So 2 weeks ago I technically gained .2lbs and last week I lost .6 from that. But in between my official weigh ins my weight has dropped down to 207...only to jump 2-3lbs after I run (and hold for 3-4 days). I officially weighed in this morning at 209.8 but mid week I was at 207 - its all sorts of confusing me. 

The scale isnt doing what I wish it would. But I'm actually okay with it. Frustrated because its prolonging this journey but I think I'm actually willing to sacrifice that for the chance to work towards this goal. I'm building muscle, I know I am and thats what explains the small numbers on the scale. The muscle will help me in the long run so I will just need to learn to be okay with that.

Getting pretty close to ONE-derland. At this pace though it'll be a while before I'm there. Excited...nervous...may have had a panic attack when I realized how close I am. I think having all this time to adjust to the idea is actually working to my benefit. Its funny how much of your identity gets tied up in the number on the scale when you're as overweight as I was. You dont even realize it until the number on the scale changes drastically and your like....wait...thats going to start with a ONE from now on. That's not right. Thats not who I am. My number always starts with a TWO. It'll be interesting when I get there! But thats a problem for another day.

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Month 3: -8 lbs
Month 4: -12.4 lbs
Month 5: -8.4 lbs
Month 6: -7 lbs
Week 25: -2.0 lbs
Week 26 & 27: +1.0 lbs
Weeks 28 & 29: -5.6 lbs
Weeks 30 & 31: -.4 lbs

Total weight loss: 71.4 lbs!!!
Distance from Goal #1 (175 lbs): 35.6 lbs
Current Weight: 209.8 lbs

Week 29: A Renewing of Motivation

Posted Saturday, March 29, 2014 at 2:04 PM

Last weekend was my birthday and I flew to Atlanta to visit my oldest friend. It was a fantastic weekend. He and I got to catch up, chat, eat good food and walk EVERYWHERE. I think after all was said and done we walked about 13 miles over the course of the weekend. Pretty happy with that. And it was nice to get away from Rochester, clear my head and get some quality time with a friend outside where the weather isnt miserable. Haha. The joys of living in Rochester in the winter.

The week prior to my birthday was pretty bad. I'm not going to lie. I had a cheat day - had a pizza that I was craving for the last 6 months, plus breadsticks. Then it seemed like every day there was a temptation that I just couldnt bring myself to say no to. Bagels on St. Patty's day, cake & cookies to celebrate March birthdays...I just couldnt escape it. When I left for Atlanta on Friday I was up almost 2lbs weighing in at 217.2. 

Needless to say, with all the walking around, even with some eatting off plan, it was a pleasant surprise to come home and see the scale down to 213 on Monday morning. It was then even more of a surprise come Friday when the scale read 210.2! Yay body! Thank you for cooperating. 7lbs in a week. Happy about that.

What I found this past week though was a renewed....caring...for being on plan. I actually want to reach my goal. I went off plan for a few weeks essentially but I found this week that I think I want to jump back in. 

There was something else this past week that really helped me out. I have this new friend. He is kind of a health coach for Advocare, maybe you guys have heard of it. He's a suuuuuper friendly person and really passionate about the work that he does with Advocare, helping people get healthier, and invited me to a mixer to check out the program. Now, I'm in no way looking to switch from Medifast because I've found something that works for me. But, having lost 71lbs, people tend to look at you for answers and I've realized that I want to know more about any program that works for people. My friend has a pretty amazing success story with Advocare, as do many other people, so clearly it works and I'd like to hear about why and how it works.

So I went to the mixer, thought it'd be really awkward. Surprisingly it wasnt. I enjoyed it a lot and was actually surprised by how much it helped me to be there. I have a great support system of friends around me here so I tend to not use much of the coaching and community features of TSFL but what I dont have around me...are people who really get my struggle. People who are starting their journey or in the midst of it. Physical people that I can see and talk to. People who are struggling themselves with the same thing I've struggled with my whole life and really need encouragement. I met some people like that there. 

I'm hoping that my friend will be willing to talk sometime about his story and everything he has gone through. It would be really really helpful for me to have a physical person around me who has succeeded maybe just to chat with. I think just meeting people like that may have provided me half the motivation that I had this week to keep moving forward. 

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Month 3: -8 lbs
Month 4: -12.4 lbs
Month 5: -8.4 lbs
Month 6: -7 lbs
Week 25: -2.0 lbs
Week 26 & 27: +1.0 lbs
Weeks 28 & 29: -5.6 lbs

Total weight loss: 71 lbs!!!
Distance from Goal #1 (175 lbs): 35.2 lbs
Current Weight: 210.2 lbs

Status Update: The Okay-Plateau

Posted Sunday, March 16, 2014 at 6:32 PM

I haven't really been up for much lately, especially not blogging and doing much with this whole thing. But I figure its been about 2-3 weeks since I last updated so maybe I should post just a status update.

For those that aren't aware, my grandmother passed away 2 weeks ago, literally followed by a close family friend the next day. I was home with my family for the week and it was a really hard week. The hardest and quite honestly I didn't care much about staying OP. That loss really hit my motivation hard and still has been effecting it. The week I was home I gained 3lbs. I lost 2 of that the following week, but I'm still up 1 lb. A lot of people would say this is okay and understandable and I dont think it is. I gained because the past few weeks I just havent cared about staying OP and losing or gaining. Dont get me wrong, I never want to go back to 280lbs, and if I gained more than a few pounds I WOULD care. But a few pounds? I dont care about that. 

I had a long talk with Jay (health coach) about it and he very nicely pinpointed what Ive been feeling. It's an okay plateau. I haven't reached goal, and in that sense I'm not okay and dont want to give up. But, I'm okay where I'm at. I'm 215 lbs and I feel good about myself for the first time in my life. I have confidence, I can do pretty much all the things I want to do, I feel good! And after 6 months of doing this, saying no to so many things that I want, it's getting tiring having to continually say no. I want some pizza! And some cake...or pie...ooo maybe a danish. Its been really hard and exhausting to go to a party and have so many delicious foods in front of you and to just say "No, I can't have that"

Jay had some interesting suggestions but mainly his point was I need to think through my feelings and figure out what I want to do. Should I go on maintenance for a few weeks? Or how about cheat day once a month? Will it help? I've been seriously considering the 1x/month cheat day because it might help the feeling of being deprived. Guess I just need to figure out what I want to do right now. I'm in no way giving up, just need to figure out if I need a temporary break. Maybe....

For now I'm continuing to do what I can to stay OP. I've rather sucked at it and may continue to be bad at it but I'll keep going. I am still training for my 5k - though I ended up taking 2 weeks off due to weather and my grandmother's passing. But that hasn't been hard to jump back into because I really want to run that 5k. The actual training part though...thats starting to get hard haha. I was doing 90 sec/run & walk followed by 3 min/run & walk yesterday and it was tough. I'm looking forward to continuing that and reaching SOME goal.

Sink or swim, May 24th I will run a good chunk of that race (hopefully all of it)

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Month 3: -8 lbs
Month 4: -12.4 lbs
Month 5: -8.4 lbs
Week 21: -1.8 lbs
Week 22: -2.6 lbs
Week 23: ?
Week 24: -2.6 lbs
Week 25: -2.0 lbs
Week 26 & 27: +1.0 lbs
Total weight loss: 65.4 lbs!!!
Distance from Goal #1 (175 lbs): 40.8 lbs
Current Weight: 215.8 lbs

Week 24: Training for a 5k is gonna be hard

Posted Monday, February 24, 2014 at 9:05 PM

Aaand we're back. Weighed in this week after a week off. I've been monitoring how things are going more closely than normal, mostly in regards to tripling my time at the gym. Trying to see how my body is responding and trying out different ideas. I always have a little extra protein on days I run, but Monday's are hard. 30 minutes of running and 30 mins of strength training. I is sore come Tuesday.

Take today. Brutal workout day. I didnt get to the gym in time to complete my 5k training before working with Corinne (my trainer) and doing strength training. I really hate doing my 5k training after working out with her, or really any cardio. She kills my body so thoroughly haha. Does her job well! She's been very receptive and understanding about pulling back on things per my feedback (which I appreciate). Plain and simply, she's so effective at her job that I'm dead after 30 minutes with her haha. So today was hard to push myself to run. I did run but it took a lot out of me. I had to use every ounce of mental energy to get myself through those 90 second running segments. So hard. 

To anyone that regularly goes to the gym and works out, TSFL or not, do you guys ever find yourself with the munchies an hour or two after you're done? Anyone? Or is it just me? Its been happening to me a lot lately and always on days that I work out. Really hard to resist and not munch!!

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Month 3: -8 lbs
Month 4: -12.4 lbs
Month 5: -8.4 lbs
Week 21: -1.8 lbs
Week 22: -2.6 lbs
Week 23: ?
Week 24: -2.6 lbs
Total weight loss: 64.4 lbs!!!
Distance from Goal #1 (175 lbs): 41.8 lbs
Current Weight: 216.8 lbs

Week 23: An Invitation

Posted Tuesday, February 18, 2014 at 8:41 PM

I didn't weigh in this week. Not officially anyway. I backslide a little, 1 lb to be exact. I know the cause, emotional eatting, but I can say that given the situation, I handled it well. My aunt's mother passed away this week. With my family being as small as it is, she was like another grandmother to me. So when I found out I was pretty upset and I wanted to escape. I took a break from work and went to Wegmans for lunch and caved to my need to feel better via food. Only, I didn't fill it with what I wanted (Wegman's mac & cheese) but rather with Chobani's Greek yogurt - vanilla with chocolate chunks. Not that I'm saying what I did was okay - it was still probably a better choice than what I wanted, proving to myself that I am stronger than I think. It also proved I have a little work left to do in this area. Because perhaps I shouldn't have had the whole 16oz container (which contains 64g of sugar). Thus the 1lb gain.

Enough of that though. Last week I promised to make an annoucement about a decision I made to spice up this journey a little bit. So here goes.

I've begun training to run a 5k.

Running has always been a goal of mine - huge goal. One day I would like to be able to run at least part of a half marathon (not sure I'm crazy enough to shoot for a whole marathon but who knows!). I gave up on running sometime last year or the year before. But I downloaded the C25k app and decided to begin training. I have about 15 weeks until the 5k, and the app brings you through an 8 week training program so I'm doing each week twice, with the second week being a little more difficult. The first week I'll do the running segments at 5.5mph - the second week at 6 mph. Doesn't sound like much but I can tell you from doing it this week - its hard for me. And it's a nice challenge.

I'd also like to extend an invite to anyone out there in the Rochester, NY area. Whether you know me or you dont, come join me. If you dont know me, comment or message me on TSFL and we can get in touch. Complete the race with me and be a part of this. I dont care if you run with me or walk and meet me at the finish line - I'll appreciate your support and company either way. I'll be running The Color Run on May 24th. Join me!!!

Week 22: Anyone else think I look like a blueberry??

Posted Sunday, February 9, 2014 at 8:16 PM

Take a look at the pictures below. They're my 60 lb pictures - yes I finally hit 60lbs officially :) Its crazy how different I look and I just cannot stop staring at my day 1 pictures. Like staring!! All I can think is....

I look like a blueberry!!!!

Seriously, anyone else having Willy Wonka flashbacks? Don't ask me why thats the thought that comes to my mind. Apparently I'm extremely weird. But thats all I can think. 

As much as my friends and family love it when I post these 20lb before & after pictures, I think I might just love it more. Its like a mini accomplishment and a great reminder for me. Because I see myself everyday and recently as I walk past the mirror, I haven't been thinking "Heck yes! I look GOOD!" I've been thinking "Ugh. I'm STILL so overweight! I feel like I gained 5lbs overnight!!" I am so used to this new reflection that I'm getting critical of myself again. So these pictures are a fantastic reminder of where I've come from because they are not what I remember seeing in the mirror. And what's even more funny, every time I put them together, one of the pictures catches my attention and causes me to have a revelation and its always a different picture each time. Apparently this time the revelation is that I looked like a blueberry lol

On a different note, after hearing from a few of you at TSFL, I think I have a new norm for my weight loss. Last week when I was talking about low numbers and everyone was commenting that they aren't that low, what I meant was low for me. I've typically seen 3-4lbs every week and while medifast only says 1-2lbs is to be expected, I've always seen 3-4 with occasional 1-2lb weeks. So for me to have multiple 1-2lb weeks ... its unusual and low. But what I think I need to accept is the truth that I'm getting smaller. My body requires less calories to operate so the difference between what I need and what I'm getting is decreasing. On some level I suppose it makes sense that my numbers would drop at some point. Guess I never really thought about it. 

3.6 lbs a week used to be my average. What I think I am going to see now is between 2-3, probably closer to 2. I'll be okay with that. Its going down still so I'm happy. With that though, I want to try something new. This journey is getting a little stale so I'm thinking of spicing it up a little. Not ready to annouce what this means but I think it'll be awesome. More about that next week.

So incredibly happy to be in the teens!! TEENS!!! Like less than 20lbs from ONE-derland! Only people who have struggled with their weight can truly appreciate how big of a deal that is (if they can guess what it means). 

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Month 3: -8 lbs
Month 4: -12.4 lbs
Month 5: -8.4 lbs
Week 21: -1.8 lbs
Week 22: -2.6 lbs
Total weight loss: 61.2 lbs!!!
Distance from Goal #1 (175 lbs): 44.4 lbs
Current Weight: 219.4 lbs

Week 21: The 5-year-old in me digs her heals in

Posted Monday, February 3, 2014 at 9:10 PM

Lets just get the obvious statement out of the way. If you look at my numbers, the past 2 weeks have been smaller than any other period on this journey. Down 1.8lbs this past week and 2.2 the week prior. Its been slow, at least for me. And to be honest, I dont know why. I really dont. I saw it all last week and the week before (I was weighing in daily because I was curious) and I thought I had a few ideas what was going on. But my ideas should have meant that I dropped a bunch by now. So seeing as I haven't, I'm slightly clueless as to why my numbers have been so small. I dont think I've been doing anything different. Actually I've been staying remarkably OP.

To be honest, I dont particularly care either. I said it when I started all of this and I meant it:

Its not about the number on the scale. Its about the process.

I know I'm sticking to what I should be doing, at least within reason. In order to be 100% OP I would have to seclude myself and never go to another party or go out to eat and I'm not interested in doing that. I live this plan to the best of my ability and its worked fantastically so far. So if things don't speed up I'll figure out what is going on and adjust. Either I'll get used to smaller numbers or I'll cut some things out.

I do have to say though, that I feel like my old self and my new self are having a face off right now haha. Just shy of 60lbs in 5 months and I feel like my old self is digging her heals in like a toddler going "No. Nooope. No more. I'm done. I dont wanna. " And my new self is just sitting there patiently saying "You can complain and object all you want. But when you're done with that, I'll be over here continuing to plug along with this thing. Come join me when you're ready."

So my question to all my fellow TSFL'ers is this: After having so many weeks of larger drops (3-4lbs a week) did you encounter a period where your body just slowed its losses for a while? Is that normal? It wouldnt surprise me if it were. 60 lbs in 5 months. Ya thats a little cray cray.

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Month 3: -8 lbs
Month 4: -12.4 lbs
Week 17: -.8 lbs
Week 18: -1.2 lbs
Week 19: -4.2 lbs
Week 20: -2.2 lbs
Week 21: -1.8 lbs
Total weight loss: 59.2 lbs!!!
Distance from Goal #1 (175 lbs): 47 lbs
Current Weight: 222 lbs

Week 20: How does it feel? I finally have an answer

Posted Monday, January 27, 2014 at 9:19 PM

I had a realization while I was at the gym today...in the midst of getting frustrated with all the New Years Resolution-ers that were hogging EVERY machine that I wanted to use. I was running on the treadmill (yup, I can do that now) and I looked around at the women around me - all different sizes. It dawned on me that I no longer had to worry about being the largest person at the gym. It sounds stupid, but thats what I was thinking. I didnt feel like people were laughing at me for trying to run, rather, it occurred to me that some of the women might have been looking at me wishing they could be me and do what I was doing. That sounds really selfish but in the past when I would go to the gym I'd usually find someone and just think "Man, I wish I could run like her." I feel like I've reached a place where I'm not that overweight. Yes, I'm overweight still...but I feel kind of average. I dont feel like I stick out like a sore thumb.

I've had A LOT of people tell me that I look good these past few weeks. And by a lot, I mean a lot. I used to keep track and I just stopped because it was too many. Even people I don't know, like women at the gym. I guess when you go somewhere every week for over a year, people remember you even if you dont talk to them. And they've commented. Its nice. It helps. I think the most memorable comment came from my sister today. She said "You look happy. Your smile is different. You don't look like you're faking being happy" And I realized...thats because I am happy. I don't need to pretend or be shy or afraid to have people notice me. I like who I am and I'm proud of myself.

I'm officially at a weight that I dont remember ever being at. The lowest I remember being in my adult life is 228. I'm 223. As a junior in high school I remember being 205 but between that and 228 I have no memory of. I'm really excited to see what the next 50 lbs holds because I dont know what it'll feel like. Every pound that comes off is a completely new version of myself. I love it. I love being able to take the chair thats in a tight space and not worry about it. I love squeezing into a table where there's a normal amount of space between the table and booth and not have it be a squeeze. 

People used to ask me "how does it feel?" They stopped for some reason, maybe its because I didn't have an answer for them. But I finally know the answer. It feels liberating. It feels amazing to not be trapped in your own body. For my friends that have never struggled with their weight, you're lucky. You're lucky you havent gone your entire life with a voice in your head telling you you can't physically do things (one that is actually right I might add). When you're overweight, your own body is your prison. On September 6, 2013, I unlocked the door. And somewhere around the start of 2014 I stepped out of that prison finally and believed it's all happening.

I'm free. 

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Month 3: -8 lbs
Month 4: -12.4 lbs
Week 17: -.8 lbs
Week 18: -1.2 lbs
Week 19: -4.2 lbs
Week 20: -2.2 lbs
Total weight loss: 57.4 lbs!!!
Current Weight: 223.8 lbs

Week 18 & 19 - Stop munching and get back into things!

Posted Sunday, January 19, 2014 at 10:04 PM

My schedule seriously has not calmed down yet since before Christmas. I keep meaning to post updates on how I'm doing but I've been so busy I havent had time to sit down to write a post. Ah! It also doesnt help that things have been pretty "business as usual" so I havent felt the push to update. Because there's not much to report!

On that note, things have been going well. Week 18 was a rather light week, probably due to snacking. I had gotten into this habit, and many people on TSFL saw this one coming early on due to my success, of snacking on foods that are off plan. Not going completely overboard but like if there is something munch-able...I munch. Donut holes? Sure I'll have 1 or 2 (or 3). Pizza bites? Sure I'll have 3. Chips? I'll have a couple. None of it is really enough to mess me up and cause much of a gain but I think the frequency I was doing it caused my loss to slow. I lost 1.2 lbs that week. For me thats really low. In my mind, I've gotten away with having things off plan and still having a good number for the week so I didnt see the harm. But I can say that I'm definitely not immune. Snacking does hurt me.

This past week I committed to being back on plan. If I had something off plan it was literally 1 chip (though admittedly I did go out with some coworkers and have 1 1/2 light beers). It felt good to start building up that will power again and the scale showed the progress. Lost 4.2lbs this week, which is the highest single week loss I've had since week 1. Guess my body finally decided to lose that water it was holding onto from snacking and snowboarding :)

Oh and I celebrated 50lbs officially...by going rock climbing. For those on TSFL, they are picutures on my profile page. For those who know me in real life...they're on my facebook. Maybe I'll post them here later. But given the lack of time...probably not gonna happen right now.

Kinda crazy that I've lost 55 lbs. Thats a lot of pounds.

Oh, P.S. None of my pants fit anymore. Like none. Its annoying as heck.

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Month 3: -8 lbs
Month 4: -12.4 lbs
Week 13: -4.6 lbs
Week 14: -3.6 lbs
Week 17: -.8 lbs
Week 18: -1.2 lbs
Week 19: -4.2 lbs
Total weight loss: 55.2 lbs!!!
Current Weight: 226 lbs

Week's 15-17: 3 Weeks of Updates - so many things!

Posted Tuesday, January 7, 2014 at 2:02 PM

It has been a really long time since I have given anyone an update, so I’ll check in here. The last update I had was before Christmas so we can start there.

My plan for Christmas was to stay on plan 100% - which was going to be difficult. There are a few things, foods mainly, that my mom makes that I adore. Thanksgiving stuffing is one, pierogi's are another. My family is Polish (about as much as you can get) so my mom has a recipe for homemade pierogi's with farmers cheese. They are amazing and I only get them once a year these days. Well I'm proud to say that I stayed on plan for all of Christmas. Not even a little wine or one pierogi. I brought them home though - frozen for later consumption :) The result was a loss the week of Christmas, down to 232.2.

I did however meet my goal of 50lbs by the end of the year. Yes, I didnt stay there, but I hit it. Friday 12/27 I was at 231.2. My official weigh in for the week of Christmas put me at 232.2 - which I know the exact cause of the weight gain. Stress and water retention. That Saturday was the day I went snowboarding, which if you read the posts (I'm terrified to go snowboarding, Snowboarding Results), was a big deal for me. Hugely big deal. So naturally I retained water before my official weigh in. I'm still calling it 50 before the end of the year.

New Years went okay, had a few bites of things off plan but nothing major. The problem I had the week of New Years was that my body was recovering from snowboarding. From Saturday to Sunday I gained almost 3lbs and it didnt drop until almost mid week. Not unexpected due to 5 hours of intense activity (for me). My leg muscles were torn, bruised legs and I dehyrdated myself - despite trying not to. I stayed on plan, did a 5-2, but still. I expected something like that after snowboarding.

I probably would have had a significant loss come this past Saturday, as my lowest was Friday morning at 230.4 (I think) but then I had a wedding. Not just any wedding, an Italian wedding of which I was the coordinator. I pretty much threw in the towel at that point with trying to stay OP. I had a glass of wine, which went straight to my head and I ended up having a good amount of bread to help with it. Bachelorette party was at a local European cake restaurant (Phillips European for those in the Rochester area) and I split a piece with the bride-to-be. So naturally my results were all screwed up for Saturday. My official weigh in was at 231.4.

Some NSV's for me the past few weeks though. I'll just list them:

  • I've been borrowing clothes from a friend of mine - including her ski pants because mine didnt fit.
  • Remember that prom dress I mentioned in my Thanksgiving Post? Well I tried it on again and it fit - as did the winter ski jacket that hasnt fit since high school. Cray cray!! I'll post pictures of the prom dress next week. I've been insanely busy lately.
  • I started running! This was actually an NSV before Christmas but a friend of mine were talking and he encouraged me to just try running. Its something I've always wanted to get back into but I always get light headed so I've said no while on medifast. Well I tried and I ran for 15 minutes straight! Thats the longest I've ever done. So proud.

Overall its been a great few weeks. Yes I've been hovering around the 231 mark but I know why and its not because I have been caving and binge eatting. I'm looking forward to being back OP without holdups (even the good kinds like snowboarding) and getting out of the 230's. That may very well happen this week if I'm lucky!

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Month 3: -8 lbs
Week 13: -4.6 lbs
Week 14: -3.6 lbs
Week 15: -1 lbs
Week 16: -3.2 lbs
Week 17: -.8 lbs
Total weight loss: 49.8 lbs!!!
Current Weight: 231.4 lbs

Snowboarding Results

Posted Monday, December 30, 2013 at 8:49 PM

I'm so grateful to you guys here at TSFL for reading my late night blog and commenting on it quickly with so much encouragement. While I was reaching out to friends and letting them know of my fears, it helped so much hearing from people who have come from similar places and understand the struggles I have; people who have some of the same inner monologues. 

Snowboarding actually went way better than I thought. I think what really helped was having one of my guy friends just leave me and my girlfriend to ourselves (well, he left us with an instructor who was giving a lesson). Maybe one day I'll be able to risk doing things wrong and failing in front of my guy friends, but that day wasnt Saturday. He tried to teach us how to just slide and my brain wouldn't let me move. I was terrified to fall with one of my guy friends right there. 

But fall I did - eventually. Many many times. I have the bruises to prove it. In comparison to last time, I did really well. I learned to steer and stop and I would have gotten off the bunny hill if there had been enough time. And the biggest thing for me was that amidst all the falling, I just kept bouncing back up. Occassionally I sat down, but never more than a few minutes. I didnt feel like that same old fat girl - and it was nice. I am stronger than my brain thought and I finally have a positive memory of snowboarding. So positive that I'm even considering going again on Wednesday. Now I just need to decide if its worth the slow in my weight loss. I gained 2lbs after snowboarding - probably from dehydration and muscle building but still. Wrong direction scale! I want to go again. I just need to decide if its worth the slow down.

I'm terrified to go snowboarding

Posted Sunday, December 29, 2013 at 12:10 AM

This is a bit of an unusual occurrence for me, blogging when it isnt a weekly checkin - maybe that should be a clue how much this has been on my mind...and how much of a big deal this is for me. So here goes. 

A few weeks ago I was "invited" (via a global fb invite) to go snowboarding with a friend coming in from out of town. I've gone in the past, typically about once every 2 years; not enough to learn how to actually snowboard but just enough to remember the basics. In the past when I've gone its been a rather torturous thing really, more than just the physical pain of falling down and being sore. For me its been an embarrassing and actually rather humiliating thing really because I've always been too big to really snowboard successfully. When I fall its not just a normal person falling, at least not for me. When I fall, I feel like everyone is watching and pitying me because I'm that fat girl who is trying something she really shouldnt be trying. I feel like everyone is looking and thinking "oh girl, just give up. You're too fat to do this." And whenever my friends would go and not invite me, I would think "Well, they didnt invite you because you're too fat and they know you wont be able to." None of this is probably true, but its the way I have always thought.

I dont like people, even myself, telling me I cannot do something. If I go, try it, and decide I dont like it thats one thing. But not doing something because I can't doesn't work for me. Maybe I'm just stubborn (probably) but I really dont like being told I can't do something. I'd much rather come to that decision my own. So I guess you could call snowboarding one of those things in my life that I've always wanted to overcome - a fear that I want to conquer. I'm really big on conquering my fears. Thats slightly why I post these blogs to my facebook every week.

So I said I would go. And not only did I accept, but as is typical for me, I invited most everyone I know...because being inclusive is important...except when you're me and you're terrified out of your mind of looking like an idiot. Now I have to do it in front of a bunch of people that I know. But I made up my mind that I am going to conquer this fear and I think I'm ready - only I'm not. My brain tells me I am. It is telling me "hey, you're at least 50lbs lighter than you were the last time you attempted this. AND you have been working out with a trainer for the last year. You've GOT THIS." 

But here is what She is saying:

She is saying that I dont have this. That I'm still that fat girl that no one actually wants to come. That wasn't actually invited and that I actually just invited herself. That I will fall tomorrow and I will not be able to get up. That my friends will have to help me get up because I'm too fat and weak to do it myself. That everyone is going to pity me.

I haven't been able to sleep for the last 2 nights because of this. I'm nervous. I'm beyond nervous. I'm terrified. Of all the things I've had to overcome on this journey and all the things I have faced, this is right up there as one of the scariest. 

I have my support system, sure. One of my wonderful girl friends is going to go with me and hopefully stick by my side. I dont know if she even realizes how much I need her. Because there's the other part of this that terrifies me: Boys. If I was just going with a group of my girlfriends, I'd be nervous but I'd at least be sleeping. But I'm not. There are boys that are some of the more significant people in my life going with me and they will be right there next to me as I fall down and conquer my fears. I've been getting more and more immune to caring about what the boys in my life think (ok we can call them men but they are much less intimidating if I call them boys). But this is one area that I actually do care. I spend a great deal of unconscious energy either deliberately forcing myself to not care if they are thinking I look stupid, or (even easier) just not looking stupid around them. I especially dont even let myself get into a situation where I might look like a stupid fat girl. Guess what? Tomorrow I am knowingly, willingly putting myself in a situation where the only outcome I've ever known is my looking like a stupid fat girl. And I'm doing it with some significant men being right there.

After all that rambling, it still boils down to this: I am terrified. I'm going snowboarding tomorrow and I'm terrified. 

Week 14: So many mental realizations

Posted Sunday, December 15, 2013 at 4:16 PM

Last week I posted pictures with my transformation. I think I'm still in awe over those pictures. I posted them and must have sat there looking at them for at least an hour. I really can see the difference. And what I thought while staring at those pictures was this: I didnt realize how big I was.

Looking in the mirror everyday...well, when I actually did look in the mirror that is, I didnt see the weight. I would suck in and find clothes that hid my curves and anything else I didnt want to see. Going out was stressful because I was ashamed of my size. I'd be afraid to even go to the movies because I might not get an end seat. But that was my life and I accepted it. I would hear ads on The Biggest Loser about being a contestant and wish that I could be that bold to drop everything and be on the show. I wanted my life back.

I have my life back. Or at least I'm getting it back. I just heard that ad again while watching The Biggest Loser and it hit me: I dont need to be on that show anymore. I can watch it now with empathy rather than longing jealousy.

That pretty much sums up a lot of what has gone on for me this week. My mind has been progressing and learning to accept everything that has been changing. For the first time ever I can say these things and mean them:

  • I love who I am.
  • I am proud of myself
  • I am good enough.
  • My weight is just a number. It has no bearing on who I am. It does not define me.

There's one other thing that I realized, and depending on what you believe you may not understand or agree with this statement. I am single not because I'm unattractive and not good enough. I am single because God is saving me - either for someone particular or to do fantastic things for His kingdom while I'm single. For as long as I can remember I have truly believed that I am single because I am unattractive and not good enough for anyone. Why do I believe this? Because no guy has really ever paid attention to me. Even my guy friends. Most of them never reach out to me or think to invite me to things. The ones that I do (you know who you are) I treasure.

For the first time though I really believe that there is nothing wrong with me. I'm not single because of something I'm doing wrong. Its not me. Its the simple fact that God wants me to be single right now so He is keeping men from pursuing me. I wish everyone could fully appreciate how big of a deal this is for me to believe this to be true. Its a complete game changer for me.

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Week 9: -1.4 lbs (Nice round number: 30)
Week 10: -3.6 lbs
Week 11: -3 lbs
Week 12: ?
Week 13: -4.6 lbs
Week 14: -3.6 lbs
Total weight loss: 44.8 lbs!!!
Current Weight: 236.4 lbs

Week 12 & 13: Thanksgiving & PICTURES!

Posted Monday, December 9, 2013 at 9:43 PM

So its been a while since I have blogged. Thanksgiving throws a bit a wrench into being able to weigh in, which I wont do unless its at my apartment on my scale. Consistency matters. Seriously. I weigh a few pounds less on my parents scale than I do here. So how have things been? 

Thanksgiving went well, almost as expected as far as the holiday goes. My plan was to stay on plan as much as I could, but to also enjoy the heck out of a few of my favorite things (namely my mom's stuffing which I get only once a year). I had a few bites of things that werent on plan, and a little wine, but other than a piece of pumpkin and apple pie (come on, its Thanksgiving) it all went as I expected. According to the scale, the damage was a 1 pound gain in 1 day. Not bad as probably a good chunk of that was water weight.

What did throw me way off were my travel plans, which got messed up beyond belief. New England got hit with a decent snow storm traveling in the direction that I need to go in order to go home. So my plans were advanced a day at the last minute, which left me slightly unprepared as I had 20 minutes to pack and make & eat my lean and green before departing. Forgot the pudding for my MF pumpkin custard/pie recipes that I wanted to make, which lead to my having a piece of real pie. Oh well. Coming back to Rochester was probably worse. I decided to travel really late at night and got in at 1:15am. That led to a whole lot of espresso (somewhere in the realm of 5-7 shots over the whole night)...which was accompanied by milk, and not on plan. I tried making good decisions (soy milk?) but it turns out thats worse for me than low fat. Go figure. Live and learn. I'll do better next time. 

Still, I lost 4.6lbs in 2 weeks and I must be doing something right! 2 people in 1 day asked if I had lost weight, one of whom I have no recollection of ever meeting. She is a member at my gym and just asked me as I was going to leave if I had lost weight. I must have lost a bunch in my face over Thanksgiving because I swear I dont feel different. You can be the judge though...because... 

PICTURES!

With losing 4.6 lbs that put me at 240 even (I swear, the scale knows when you're approaching another decade and likes to be evil sometimes. Couldn't give me .2 more!) and over the 40lb mark! With that come another round of pictures :)

Oh, and I had a fun evening with my mom before I left. I found my old prom dresses and tried them on. Neither of them fit haha. The one from my sophomore prom didnt even come - probably wont until I'm in ONE-derland. But my junior prom dress nearly fit. I have pictures but maybe I'll share them next week. For now you can see my 40lb pictures. I can really see the difference from 20-40. And BOY do I see the difference from day 1! Oy! Day 1 is embarrassing!

Oh and 1 more fun fact. The khaki pants in these pictures, as well as the RIT sweat pants are now some of my favorites to wear. Actually the khaki's are going to be too big soon! Running out of smaller clothes!

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Week 9: -1.4 lbs (Nice round number: 30)
Week 10: -3.6 lbs
Week 11: -3 lbs
Week 12: ?
Week 13: -4.6 lbs
Total weight loss: 41.2 lbs!!!
Current Weight: 240 lbs

Week 11: Say Something

Posted Sunday, November 24, 2013 at 6:54 PM

Its been a better week. The start of the week was kind of bad - my head was in a really weird place and I was still struggling a lot. I gave myself an evening off Monday night. I didnt do anything crazy but I let myself just have whatever I wanted. Wine may or may not have been part of that ;) But after that, I picked myself back up, got back on plan Tuesday and its been okay ever since. Maybe I just needed a day to loosen the reigns a little.

Despite being a little off plan at the start of the week, I'm down 3lbs and am weighing in at 244.6. I'm approaching my next big number: 40. As I get closer to that milestone, people have been noticing me more. This week alone I think I had 3 people comment and tell me I look good. That is nice. The question I get most often is "How do you feel!?" I never know how to answer that. Honestly I dont feel much different physically, other than there being less of me so when I move around its not as awkward. Am I supposed to feel different? The biggest change, as I've mentioned in previous updates, has been in my personality; my confidence level has been growing leaps and bounds. But I never know if thats a good answer. My clothes fit, which is a bitter sweet thing. Yes its cool...but its going to soon get expensive! I'm wearing clothes that I bought 3 years ago...some of which I dont really like much anymore. But unless I want to buy a whole new wardrobe, I have to get over it. Honestly its a little frustrating. My favorite clothes dont fit anymore. Why can't my clothes shrink with me?? Stop getting bigger clothes!

One thing I'd love to say to my friends that see me week to week or even that havent seen me in a while (especially then!). It feels really really nice having people tell me I look good, or comment that I'm getting smaller. That feels really good. I'm not doing this for the attention by any means but I have always felt invisible to people. For once, people have a reason to notice me. So if you see me, and you can see the difference between me-now and me-plus-40-pounds, say something. It doesnt have to be eloquent or lengthy and it can be awkward (I'm the queen of saying awkward things. I once prefixed a compliment to a guy friend losing weight with the statement "I'm not hitting on you. I swear.") but say something. You will make my day, I promise.

So for those of you looking for a way to support me, here it is: Say something if you see the difference.

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Week 9: -1.4 lbs (Nice round number: 30)
Week 10: -3.6 lbs
Week 11: -3 lbs
Total weight loss: 36.6 lbs!!!

Week 10: I'm struggling...big time.

Posted Sunday, November 17, 2013 at 9:25 PM

This week has been one of the hardest weeks that I've had since I started this whole process. Scale wise I did fine, down 3.6 lbs hit the 240's (yay), but mentally I have been all over the place. I had a really hard week emotionally. One of my best friends told me something that caused my world to take a sudden, very drastic shift in focus and really broke my heart on so many levels. Wish I could say more, but for his privacy I cant. I can say that I am not overreacting and was one of the hardest and definitely the most scary situations I've ever had to deal with. Things seem to be better now and I've thankfully been able step back from the situation some, but I havent healed from it.

And this hit my motivation hard. I've been upset all week and I just want to be comforted. By food. Or wine, which I did have a glass of midweek. I've figured for a while now that sometime soon I'd hit a wall and start to freak out and self sabotage. I'm close to that wall. I can literally hear everything bad that I want to eat calling my name, all because I'm upset. And here's what it comes down to:

I'm afraid to succeed.

I'm terrified of it. I'm terrified of the changes that are happening. I have more confidence every single day. I'm telling friends to their faces what size jeans I am wearing (size 16 since you asked, which I dont remember the last time those fit). I'm calling attention to myself and not caring. Thats not me. I dont like attention. And I certainly am not used to it. I'm starting to believe that I am valuable and if people arent treating me the way I want to be treated, they can get lost. Pictures being taken? Sure I'll be in one. I look good! None of this is me. And its scaring me to my core.

So I just want to eat. I'm not really allowing myself. I have what I'm supposed to and thats about it but its making me anxious to not have my old comfort food. I had probably the biggest slip up since I started yesterday, which I've been torn about putting on here. I stopped into the office on a Saturday afternoon to count up my MF food so I know what I need to order. No one was around. The halloween candy bowl was there. And I caved. I didnt even think about it. I just went and had 5 pieces of halloween candy. Because no one was around and I wanted to feel better and not disappoint anyone. 

I've got some things to work through. Going to find time to talk to my health coach because I'm just plain afraid to go forward. Every ounce of me wants to quit right now. 

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Month 2: -12 lbs
Week 9: -1.4 lbs (Nice round number: 30)
Week 10: -3.6 lbs
Total weight loss: 33.6 lbs!!!

Week 9: Colds make MF Hard

Posted Wednesday, November 13, 2013 at 1:50 PM

Not sure how other people handle being sick while on MF but I will tell you, it really made staying on plan hard. I'm a web developer so I have the option to work remotely when I need to, and I deem being sick a time "when I need to". So for basically most of the last week I had been locked in my apartment during the day working at home and locked in the apartment refusing to get my friends sick at night. I didnt go much of anywhere or do anything.

This really aggravated my boredom eating habits. I'd have a meal and about 5 minutes later be wondering when I can have my next meal. Sometimes I was hungry, other times just sick of staring at my apartment walls. For the most part I survived it but my meals and mealtimes were off. 

Oh and Halloween is the worst holiday ever. I can survive 1 day saying no to candy (in fact, I did by giving a fullsize 3 Musketeers bar that I won to my coworker). But when halloween candy is sitting literally around EVERY corner because your coworkers are trying to get rid of it...that becomes near impoosible to say no to again and again. Walking to get my water I end up passing 3 bowls of candy. And the water cooler is like 100 feet away! I slipped a few times. Not going to beat myself up about it though. Its far less than it would have been last year. I'm pretty sure I demolished a whole bag of candy last year.

So given all that the 1.4 lbs that I lost didnt surprise me. And I'm okay with it. On the bright side it brought me to an even 30lbs :) Better than 29.8 (which, weirdly enough, is usually how weight loss goes for me. Never round numbers)

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Week 5: -1.2 lbs
Week 6: -4 lbs (KILLED IT!)
Week 7: -3.6 lbs
Week 8: -3.2 lbs
Week 9: -1.4 lbs (Nice round number: 30)
Total weight loss: 30 lbs!!!

Week 8: Its a mental journey too

Posted Saturday, November 2, 2013 at 3:26 PM

I officially hit 25% of my weight loss goal this week! Surpassed it actually. Thats an awesome feeling. And I think thats when it hit me. If I continue at this pace, I'm on track to lose my 106 lbs in 7 months. 7 months!! Thats crazy! Awesome, but crazy.

A big part of me has really appreciated that this is going to take a year to complete. A year is a really long time and it gives me time to slowly make the mental changes that I will need to make. I kind of have this vision of myself, 106lbs from when I started, that I'll be a lot more confident, bubbly and outgoing. And 7 months just seems like not enough time to do that, especially when 2 of them are already gone and I dont feel like I've made any progress on the mental aspect of this.

I voiced these concerns to my health coach, and he was quick to tell me how wrong I am. He told me how much he's heard me change in the last two months, how much more confident I am and how my head is in exactly the right place. My personal trainer said it too. She commented this week on how she loves who I've become since starting this program. She loves how much more confident I am and how I light up the room just by walking in it. So I guess I am making progress on those mental changes. I just don't see them at all.

Aside from that I had a NSV this week. I finally caved and went shopping for a new pair of jeans because mine are too big for me. Thats the one thing I dont have in my "too small" pile. Jeans. I've been at least a size 18 for as long as I can remember. Depending on the brand and store, I could be up to a 24. But I tried on a size 16 and you know what? They fit. I dont even remember the last time I fit into anything other than a size 18.

Down another 3.2 lbs this week :) Despite having a cold and despite it being Halloween. I will admit. I went off plan a little. I had a greek pizza (eggplant, tomatoes, feta, and a white garlic sauce on a pita crust. Delicious!!) and 3 pieces of Halloween candy. Not bad if I have to say so myself. 

Next time you hear from me, I expect to (hopefully) be past the 30lb mark!

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Week 5: -1.2 lbs
Week 6: -4 lbs (KILLED IT!)
Week 7: -3.6 lbs
Week 8: -3.2 lbs
Total weight loss: 28.6 lbs!!!

Week 7: Business as usual & a first

Posted Sunday, October 27, 2013 at 12:46 AM

This week is going to be a very short post. Not much going on here this week, kind of business as usual. No major hurdles in the past week or triumphs, just another week on MF.

I suppose there was 1 kinda awesome moment, and a first. This week was the first time someone commented on my weight loss. I see the same people most weeks, so its probably pretty hard for them to see the changes that are happening. But I hung out with one of my best friends, whom I havent seen in about 2 months and she didnt know I was on MF. The first thing she said when I walked in her door was "Oh my gosh, have you lost weight!?" That was an amazing feeling. I guess there are changes happening. I just dont see them because I see myself everyday.

I have to say I'm really starting to like this program and I'm continuously surprised and so happy with the results. Each week I expect the other shoe to drop and to plateau. Hasn't happened yet!

Month 1: -16.6 lbs
Week 5: -1.2 lbs
Week 6: -4 lbs (KILLED IT!)
Week 7: -3.6 lbs
Total weight loss: 25.4 lbs!!!

Week 6: Smashing through Goals

Posted Monday, October 21, 2013 at 8:13 PM

I'm going to put this out there right off the bat: I KILLED it last week. Not only did I meet my first goal of losing 20lbs, but I smashed right through it and overshot. :) 4lbs down this week!! 4 POUNDS! On a week directly following a vacation where I went off plan! Who does that?! AND if that wasn't awesome enough...I hit a new decade. I'm out of the 260's and into the 250's!!! Feels so good!

Ok. Now if thats all you wanted to know, you can peace out. But if anyone is curious how vacation went and staying on plan, keep reading. Oh and if you want to see the official before/after pictures, you can scroll down.

So I went to VA to visit a friend last weekend. 10 hour drive each way. My health coach said that I can expect to retain water whenever I travel (somehow...this didnt happen. Must have been the 100 or so bathroom breaks I took...) so I was expecting to maintain or gain this past week. My goal was to make the traveling part of the vacation a success and not trap myself into having the munchies or needing to stop at a Wendy's (notice I said NEEDING. I'll circle back on that). I also wanted to ensure that I didn't have to eat out for every meal but felt ok going off plan if I wanted. 

So how'd I do? Success. Mostly. This was my secret to success:

 

So thats all my MF snacks, some Sparkling Ice water (which I talked to Matt from NS again and he said its a safe drink), a dozen bottles of water, Almond milk and my food scale. Very well perpared.

I did go off plan though. But I knew I would and dont feel guilty about it. Remember I said not needing to go to Wendy's? Well I never NEEDED to. And it wasn't Wendy's. It was Chik-fil-a. Come on. You can't be from NY, go to the south and NOT get Chik-fil-a. I got it. Twice. SO GOOD. I also had a number of glasses of Moscato with my friend (mmmm Mosacto) and the cherry on top: an apple cider donut. Guys, I totally could have eaten a dozen dozen of these. They are heaven. Literally.

So that was my vaca. The week outside of that was uneventful other than being reminded that I am an emotional eatter. I got pretty upset this past week over somethings and just wanted to drown my sorrows in some popcorn and alcohol. I didnt give in though, which I'm incredibly proud of. I just reminded myself that it wouldnt actually do anything to make me feel better. After having so many binge sessions to make myself feel better over life, I can well remember that food really doesnt make anything better. It just makes my waste bigger.

Ok, now the before an after pictures. Its day 1 vs. day ... uh...well week 6. I swore I would never show anyone the before pictures because they are pretty bad...the pictures are bad quality and I really didnt even try to look good. But I'm proud that these clothes are starting to fit better and I'm seeing the weight come off.

Oh and one more NSV. I went line dancing Saturday night with friends and learned the Moves Like Jagger song. Before all this I was kinda embarrassed by it because I didnt even feel comfortable in my skin. Didnt want peoples potential attention. Now? Yup, I started letting go a bit, or a lot for me. I literally didnt care if people were watching. Let them watch. Let the attention be on me. Because I've accomplished a lot.

Week 1: -6 lbs
Week 2: -5.2 lbs
Week 3: -1.6 lbs
Week 4: -3.8 lbs (say WHAT?!)
Week 5: -1.2lbs
Week 6: -4lbs (KILLED IT!)
Total weight loss: 21.8 lbs!!!

Week 5: There's a problem with my dryer

Posted Friday, October 18, 2013 at 12:45 AM

Ok, so I seem to be having a problem with my dryer. You know how you stick clothes in it to dry and they will come out a little tighter and smaller? Like jeans. Jeans are a perfect example. You wear them, they stretch, then wash and dry them and they are back to their snug old self. Okay, well my dryer isnt doing this properly anymore. I wash and dry my clothes and they come out and are STILL lose on me. Its happened once before in my life; the only other time I lost weight. I lost about 30lbs in college and the dryer stopped shrinking my clothes.

Needless to say, nothing is wrong with my dryer. I'm the one getting smaller. This week is the first time that I've actually started to see it. I went on a trip this past weekend and you would have thought I was narcissitic. Every time I stopped to use the bathroom (because you know on MF you drink a ton of water including when you're driving 10 hours) I would wash my hands and just start checking myself out in the mirror. I look GOOD. Not that I dont have a really long way to go but this is the first time I havent felt the need to run away from my mirror.

And to top it all off, a few of my clothes have gotten so lose that I've needed to pull from my pile of clothes that were too small. You know what? They fit! Some of the pants fit perfectly. What an awesome feeling.

Aside from that, I had my personal trainer take my measurements this week. According to her between my last checkin and now I've lost 10lbs of muscle mass. ?!?! That kinda freaked me out to hear. So I had a nice hour long talk with Matt from Nutrition Support trying to understand MF and what I should be doing. Should I work out? Should I not? Should I avoid cardio? Keep going with light cardio? So many people saying slightly different things! So I just talked to him until I was confident I knew what he was telling me. Basically, I can still work out but the amount and intensity I'm going to have to experiment with. If I start feeling light headed or really hungry I may want to back off as my body is telling me its too much. Thats what I did last week and it worked pretty well.

My trainer though, saw the 10lb muscle loss and upped the strength training haha. Not a bad thing at all. And I saw her 2x this week and boy was I sore. She did a good job. (Hiya Corinne!)

Week 5 overall I lost 1.2lbs. But I'm actually pretty happy with that number given that I increased my strength training, weighed in a day early (was on vaca on my normal weigh in day), and had a few days where I almost forgot my last MF meal. As for how did I do on vacation, well that is another post in a few days after I know the official results.

Week 1: -6 lbs
Week 2: -5.2 lbs
Week 3: -1.6 lbs
Week 4: -3.8 lbs (say WHAT?!)
Week 5: -1.2lbs
Total weight loss: 17.8 lbs!!!

Week 4: Realizations & Surprises

Posted Sunday, October 6, 2013 at 7:40 PM
This week. Boy I dont even know where to begin this week. It feels like ages since my 5k and the struggle of week 3. This is going to be a long post as a result, so my apologies. I suppose I will start with a confession: Week 3 wasn't 3lbs. It was 1.6lbs. I was so frustrated with the lack of the scale moving that I took Sunday as my weigh in rather than Saturday. So actually it was 1.6lbs week 3 as of my official weigh in day. 

That being said, why did I do that? Because I was frustrated guys. So fricken frustrated. I finally cracked from the stress that I didnt want to admit was happening because of weighing in every day. Each week the scale was moving, but it wasnt moving every day (which it probably wont). So it appeared to me like I wasnt going anywhere and I was stuck. I wasn't. I was just being stupid and weighing myself in everyday. I came to that realization this week on Wednesday. Oh man Wednesday. Let me tell you about that day.

I lost it. Not entirely sure why, something started it but I cant pinpoint what. I was just in a down mood. Scale wasnt moving from 267, and I was down about that and a few other things. So I wanted to turn to things that would comfort me: food, friends, and exercise. Well Wednesday all of those things were taken from me, at least on that particular day. 
  1. Food, well that cant comfort me anymore so I need to get over it. 
  2. Exercise. Let me just state I'm extremely proud of how I've trained my brain over the last year to use exercise as go to thing. If I'm bored, I go to the gym. If I have free time: gym. Stressed? Gym. Basically, I need to spend all my time at the gym (I dont though). After week 3 though and hearing from so many of you, plus my health coach and Nutrition Support I decided to give up most all of my cardio in order to be successful on MF. Thats tough for me but its temporary.
  3. Friends. I tried reconnecting with a few friends I hadnt talked to in a while but they were all too dang busy to talk. So frustrating and heartbreaking at the same time. Oh well. We all have lives so I get to deal with it on this one too.
Right around lunch time I snapped. I wanted Moes. A fantastically horrible steak homewrecker with queso. Yummm. So there I was super frustrated and all by my lonesome self to deal with how crappy I was feeling and I snapped. But when I snapped I'm proud to say that I didnt snap and run to Moes. Instead I went to the gym (with the random bag of gym clothes I happened to have in my car, thank goodness!) and got a Subway salad instead. I caved on the exercise and took my frustrations out on that elliptical. 

I was feeling deprived guys. Watching all my friends eat chicken fingers, chinese food,  burgers and cake, it just got to me. Felt like I was doing all this and not getting anywhere (though I might point out that 14lbs is, infact, somewhere. Silly Anna.). So I let myself have some things that I wanted but within reason. I wanted exercise and to eat out like a normal person. So I did. Just made better decisions.

Had a long talk with Jay (health coach) after that and he finally drilled it into my head about why I dont want to weigh myself in every day. It boils down to the fact that I'm not giving myself ANY breathing room and focusing so much on the number that I'm missing what its all about. Its the process and the life change, not the number on the scale. And if I'm following the process and sticking with it, the scale will reflect that eventually. It may not move for 8 or 12 days but on the 13th day it may drop 3 lbs. My body will let go of the weight when its ready. So I am now weighing in 2x a week and boy does that relieve the stress. Holy crow. What a mindset shift. The second half of the week was sooooo much better and all because of that decision.

The other big thing that I did this week: I "came out" to my friends about being on MF. AKA I posted on FB with a link to my blog and how much I hope to lose. The support I've gotten from everyone is overwhelming and breathtaking. Cant believe how many of my friends care this much about me and want me to succeed. I so don't deserve such amazing friends. At the same time all I could think was "Well dang...this stuff just got real! Can't turn back now, my whole world knows of my commitment!" Guess I have to succeed now.

Then one more thing happened as a result of posting on Facebook. I got a random message from this person that has a podcast called Monkey Radio. He asked if I would be willing to come on his podcast 1-2x a month and talk about my journey and give an update on where I'm at. Me? On internet radio? HAHAHA. Who would have thought it!? I'm still thinking it over but I'm leaning in the direction of doing it. 

Cool.

Oh so how did this week go weight loss wise? My scale had a nice big surprise for me Saturday morning: 264.6!! 3.8lbs down this week!!! I even checked 3 times before collapsing into my shower half crying half laughing. Most definitely 3.8lbs. I will be MORE than happy to take that. Yup!

Week 1: -6 lbs
Week 2: -5.2 lbs
Week 3: -1.6 lbs
Week 4: 3.8 lbs (say WHAT?!)

Total weight loss: 16.6 lbs!!!

Week 3: Too much exercise

Posted Sunday, September 29, 2013 at 7:07 PM
Okay, this week was rather frustrating to say the least. If you checked on me in the morning you might have found me pleading with my scale. That thing did NOT want to move. I even checked that it wasnt just stuck at 268.4 because I was convinced it was wrong.

The long and the short of it is, the first two days were great, lost .8lbs each day to finally get me over the 270 wall. Then I hit another wall. The 268.4 wall. 5 days I was stuck there. I tried spinning, more exercise usually helps people lose weight right? Nope. I tried the 4-2 plan. Still fat burning but a few more calories. Nope. Tried staying on the 5-1 religiously. Nope. Despite doing all those things I was stuck at 268.4 and the scale didnt want to budge

So I decided to just weigh myself in on Sunday. Finally got over that wall. 267. I hope to never see 268.4. 

I'm not completely sure what got me over the wall, it may or may not have something to do with the 5k that I completed yesterday morning (!!!!). Ok, so for me a 5k is not that big of a deal. I walk a lot, have done a number of them and have even walked a 1/2 marathon. But what was a big deal was that I completed it in my fastest time ever: 44:45. Yay! I ran a little bit of it, probably a total of 1 mile, but my asthma was killing me.

The other thing that I have been struggling with this week is this: When I do moderate to heavy cardio for any length of time, I start getting light headed and dizzy. Not just a little. A lot. This happened 3/4 of the way through the 5k, so ya that was a little scary. Has anyone else had this happen? I'm not completely sure what could cause it. Going to call NSS tomorrow and ask. But I thought I'd ask just in case.

Week 1: -6lbs
Week 2: -5.2lbs
Week 3: -3lbs

Total weight loss: 14.2lbs!!!

Week 2: Temptations & the 270 wall.

Posted Sunday, September 22, 2013 at 5:33 PM
This week was tough. The scale didnt go down nearly as much as I hoped it would and I have to admit, it frustrates me. I didnt stay on plan nearly as much as I should have but I'm still pretty proud of myself for resisting all the temptaions. What temptations? Oh let me fill you in.

1) Home. Mom's left overs. Stress. Lots of stress. Constant moving and helping my family out. My grandmother is in the hospital so I was trying to help my mom out as much as I could. What did I realize week 1? I am totally a stress eater. All the way. So this time home really had me wanting to eat.

2) Family gatherings. With my grandmother being ill, I saw a lot of my family while I was home. And because it was to celebrate her 90th, what does that include? Cake. Lots of cake. My aunt knew my sister and I were on a diet (as were a few other family members) so she threw together a sugar "free", "fat free" cake. It was still cake. And I had a tiny slice of it. Talk about a weight in my stomach. Havent had anything that heavy in 2 weeks!

3) Pizza. My dad wanted to order pizza to help my mom not worry about dinner. I insisted no and made a salad, lemon rosemary salmon & some green beans.

4) Work celebrations. My office complex had a tenant appreciation luncheon...Italian themed. Yay! Ugh. Bread. Pasta. Meatballs. Pasta. Breaded chicken. And did I mention pasta? There was salad and a cucumber tomato salad thing as well. Oh and brownies. Yumm. What did I have? 2 meatballs (they looked safe with very light tomato sauce on the outside), the chicken & lots of salad & cucumber salad. Thought I did well. Apparently not. Guess that breaded chicken and meatballs had more carbs than I thought. Oh and my former employer had a work party that I was invited to and there were mini quiches there that were torturing me the whole time. Open bar too. I snacked on some cucumbers, broccoli & cherry tomatoes.

5) Wine. Temptations from friends trying to comfort me about my grandmother. I really enjoy wine and I miss it. Got a bottle in my wine rack that has been calling my name for 2 weeks now.

So all in all I would have to say I made some good decisions. Didnt have pasta or pizza or alcohol when the opportunities arose. So I guess I had a bunch of NSV's (non-scale-victories). But I still would have liked a victory on the scale. I'm down 5.2lbs this week, so I guess thats pretty good. But here's where my problem with that number comes in:

I weigh myself every day. I know I shouldnt, but I like to translate what I'm doing to what effects the scale. It motivates me and helps me realize that hey this thing does work.I got back from Massachusetts on Tuesday, weighed in on Wednesday and I was at 271. What happened Thursday & Friday? I gained 0.6lbs & stayed there. Then come weigh in day, I dropped to 270. Ok cool. But what number did I really want to see?

269.8. 

260's. I just want to be in the 260's. Its that wall that is torturing me and I can't seem to move past. Plus, that .6lb gain really bothered me. I felt like a failure. Yes I know its only .6lbs but its still moving in the wrong direction. Every day is a chance to lose this baggage I've literally been carrying around every day and I felt like I just threw in the towel. And She was whispering in my ear the whole time "See? This doesnt work. You're going to be overweight your whole life." What I've come to realize though, and have to repeat to myself almost every morning and throughout the day is this:

It will happen. I'll move past the 270 wall and every other wall. It may take a few tries, but in time if I stick with it, it will happen.

So, even though the second half of the week I didnt really lose much, I'm gaining confidence in myself and resistance to temptations, which will help me change my life.

Oh, and I finally told my best guy friend about my being on medifast this week. I have really only told the women in my life about this. I think its mostly a pride issue. I can be vulnerable with the women in my life, but the men...I dont want to admit I have a problem. I want to appear strong and confident. My friend was BEYOND supportive. He is really excited for me and is along side me cheering me on. He also told me he is proud of me. That meant more to me then he ever will know and was the my motivation for resisting some of the temptations this week. My family is proud of me and they tell me, sure. But friends? They dont have to be proud of you. They dont have to care that much. They can say good job and listen but they dont need to feel proud and they certainly dont have to say anything about it. Meant a lot that he did. I'll probably ping him on this journey for some additional encouragement when I need it now that I know how supportive he is :)

Week 1: Her.

Posted Saturday, September 14, 2013 at 10:21 PM
Okay, first week down. It was a little tough for sure. The hunger pains right around the 2 hour mark were something to get used to, but the biggest thing was that voice in my head that kept telling me "you need to eat more food. This is not enough". The inner me struggling to deal with these tiny portions of food while everyone around me is chowing down on Pretzel Bacon Cheeseburgers from Wendy's.

It got better though. Friday that voice finally went away and I finally feel like I hit a sweet spot. Of course, this all happens right before I go home for 5 days to visit my family in Massachusetts. I'm going to try to stay on plan as much as possible! Say no to pizza! And mom's left overs. Oh man the left overs!

Tuesday was probably my roughest day. The entire week was stressful, which didnt help Her. (Her being the voice in my head telling me to just eat). With the combined stress from work and things with my church community group starting up (I'm a leader this trimester!) She literally almost made me have a panic attack on Tuesday about not eatting enough food. 

All in all, I'm excited to finally have Her starting to quiet down and get used to things. And I'm even more excited to see how God uses this to improve my life and help those around me!

Down 6lbs this week. Pretty awesome!!

Week 1: -6lbs

Day 1 of...many

Posted Saturday, September 7, 2013 at 9:41 PM

Day 1. It can be summed up with 1 word:

Sugar.

Holy mother of all sugar withdrawals. I never realized how much sugar I was putting into my body until today. Those caffeine withdrawal headaches I thought I used to get? Ya pretty sure at least 1/2 were sugar withdrawals from lack of OJ and carbs in the morning. Ouch.

The first 3/4 of the day I was so cranky and shaky from lack of sugar. My goodness if eatting someones face off would have given me sugar I probably would have. Got better towards the second half of the day when the headache and the shaking went away.

Its been an interesting day. Very nervous leading up to it, afraid of failing and of succeeding. What will people think if/when I start shrinking? Its like I'm publicly proclaiming "HEY I'M FAT AND I HAVE A PROBLEM". But when I woke up this morning, the only thing that mattered was the plan and keeping track of what I'm doing. Thats it. One meal at a time.

Been pretty hungry most of the day actually. Sometimes its been a burning hunger, but mostly just like constant heartburn. Never really feel full. I did not expect that. From what everyone says you dont feel hungry. But my healthcoach says that can happen in the beginning and it goes away as your body adjusts to the lower cal diet. Okay. So I'll give it time. If its like this for too long, I'm likely to not succeed. Cant deal with this amount of hunger long term. No way. I am impressed with the food though. Its better than I thought. And I'm actually excited to try some of these TSFL recipes people have posted. They look good.

Overall, it was a rough day. But I made it and hopefully it will get easier.

Now if I could just have a nice tall glass of OJ I'd be golden. Thats on plan, right?